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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24769489">i will hold you 'til I hold you right</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Girlfromthenorthcountry1/pseuds/Girlfromthenorthcountry1'>Girlfromthenorthcountry1</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dare Me (TV 2019), Dare Me - Megan Abbott</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Additional Warnings Apply, F/F</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:41:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,109</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24769489</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Girlfromthenorthcountry1/pseuds/Girlfromthenorthcountry1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Addy didn't run to Coach when Beth needed her most? Addy finds Beth in her car at the Playland - it's not clean &amp; pretty how Addy likes it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Beth Cassidy/Addy Hanlon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>61</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first fanfic since I was a little kid writing Disney Channel angst. Please be gentle, i'm just doing it for myself and thought i'd post for the hell of it. Never used this site. This will be a few chapters long, not sure how many. </p>
<p>Title is from a Dermot Kennedy song. </p>
<p>Please heed warnings - sexual assault, blood, angst. Don't read this if you're going to upset yourself.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>‘What happened, did somebody slip you a pill’? </p>
<p>Beth groans, wordless, raising her forearm limply before letting it fall uselessly by her side.</p>
<p>‘Beth! Hey!’</p>
<p>Another groan - is she trying to say something, or is it just an expression of frustration? Whatever it is, she sounds fucked. Addy feels a jolt through her chest, slithering around her heart icily and settling somewhere around her stomach, gripping tight. Her mouth is suddenly so dry. She licks her lips before trying again.</p>
<p>
  <i>‘Beth!’</i>
</p>
<p>Beth lifts her arms up, mumbling something, unintelligible blabber about Addy’s bracelet. Her forearm, wrist hanging like a limp piece of spaghetti, loops around Addy’s neck and she makes a quiet noise which reverberates through Addy’s chest, settling heavily. Something’s happened. Something unspeakable and horrible.<br/>
Addy doesn’t like the way Beth’s pale legs dangle out of her car, unnaturally loose. Beth’s a machine, her calves honed, but there’s no strength to them now, her feet turned in on themselves sleepily.</p>
<p> Addy yells at the useless Marine next to her to just leave. She has to get them away from there, has this base desire to just lock them in the car and drive far away, to cocoon Beth in the dark quietness and banish the evil things that have crawled inside. She doesn’t want to let anyone else see her friend like this, not now. She pushes Beth’s legs - yep, jelly - into the car, bunching them up and slamming the door. Running round to the driver’s side, fumbling in her tiny clutch for her keys. She gets in, breathes out. She starts the ignition.</p>
<p> Addy drives, puffing through pursed lips to try and get some oxygen to her brain, try and regain some sense of perspective. She has no idea where she’s going; only that she’s going away from that place, that place of chaos and neon lights and danger. Away from the approaching sirens. She’s driving down the road that leads to the school, some sort of autopilot, homing pigeon-sense of home, of safety imprinted in her brain, when she hears a cough, a small retch, a sound of distress. 	</p>
<p>‘Beth, are you OK?’</p>
<p>The noise again. Indistinct. Restless. Helpless. Addy looks up in the rear view at the backset, realises Beth is still lay across them sleepily, only now she’s coughing up vomit, so she pulls in just shy of the parking lot. Brows furrowed with worry, she gets out and runs around to the back door. </p>
<p>‘Hey, hey. It’s ok. ’ </p>
<p>Addy sits by Beth, lifts her head up and into her lap, turning it so she can expel the bile in her mouth instead of choking on it. Beth’s breathing hard, her chest convulsing as she retches up whatever is left in her stomach.</p>
<p> ‘Addy’ she breathes. ‘Addy, please...’ She doesn’t know what she’s asking for.</p>
<p>Addy rubs her back, her hand on her shoulder, pushing her sideways so she’s hanging over the footwell. She moves to push Beth’s hair away from her face, pulling sticky strands wetly from her mouth, strings of saliva attached, breaking away around Addy’s fingers.</p>
<p>‘Just breathe, babe. Ok? Just breathe.’</p>
<p>Addy grimaces as Beth sucks in another ragged breath and expels another stream of liquid, bouncing off her vanilla honey-lotioned shin as it hits the floor of the car.  She doesn’t care. </p>
<p>‘Did someone give you something? Did you take something?’ </p>
<p>Beth turns her face into Addy’s lap, spent, breathing hard.<br/>
‘I don’t know. I don’t know, Addy’ She slurs, her voice thick with vomit and alcohol and god knows what else. </p>
<p>‘What the fuck happened? Where were you? Where did you go?’ </p>
<p>Addy is desperate now. Now that Beth has uttered more words than helpless groans, she knows she’s capable of telling her something, anything. But Beth doesn’t reply, doesn’t say anything at all. She turns her head up, looking at Addy with huge, dilated eyes, chest still moving forcefully with each breath.</p>
<p>‘W-we went someplace. I think- I think he took my underwear.’ </p>
<p>Shit. Please no. </p>
<p>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>Addy drives again, hands gripped to the wheel. Beth is propped up in the back, her head lolling against the window, her eyes still huge and staring, like she’s watching a movie Addy can’t see. Addy doesn’t think she wants to see it. She snatches glances at her in the rear view, wondering what in the ever-loving fuck she is supposed to do. </p>
<p>‘Beth, I think we should go to a hospital.’ </p>
<p>Addy is tentative, knowing that this won’t go over well. But she also has no clue what the protocol is here. She’s seen the shitty short films in health class; she’s had the talks from her Mom. But this is real. This is Beth. She’s too precious for Addy to handle incorrectly, there’s too much margin for error here. Addy feels overwhelmed. The thought of what might have happened, the idea of this shadowy figure removing Beth’s panties, leering over her, hurting her... it just scratches the surface of the dark, disgusting things that Addy knows can happen to girls. <i>Girls like Beth</i>, Addy hears, in a voice that sounds disturbingly like her mom’s. </p>
<p>‘No, Addy. No hospital. Don’t be so fucking idiotic.’ </p>
<p>Beth’s voice is still twisting in her mouth, she’s trying to emit the usual venom but her body won’t let her. </p>
<p>‘Well what do you want me to say? I have no idea what to do here, Beth! Somebody’s clearly done something to you, look at you!’ </p>
<p>Addy spits back angrily and then regrets it immediately. There’s silence then. She breathes heavily, head bowed. Beth leans forward, making herself small, invisible. She grips her hair in her fists, balling it up painfully. A single sob rips through her, whole body shuddering. Addy sighs, defeated, once again pulls over to the side of the residential street they’re driving down and walks around the side of the car, pulling open the rear door.</p>
<p>‘Beth. Baby.’ </p>
<p>Her voice is so soft. She kneels on the road, and Beth half spills out of the car into her arms. She’s crying, low keening cries that come from her chest, her weight leaning into Addy, face against her neck.</p>
<p>‘It’s OK, it’s going to be OK. Please listen to me. It’s all going to be OK.’ </p>
<p>Addy rambles, pushing Beth’s hair off her face. Addy uses the flat of her hand on the back of her head to pull Beth closer to her, some sort of urge to reassure, to provide protection.</p>
<p>‘Beth. I’m here, alright?’ </p>
<p>Addy was crying now, the intensity of her emotions and of Beth’s emotions spilling down her cheeks, black rings forming from ruined mascara. She’s absolutely terrified, and furious, and lost. Beth wracks in her arms, destroyed, and she can’t do anything - useless and stupid as she is - but hold her and pull her close and whisper to her.</p>
<p> ‘Addy,’ Beth chokes, like it’s the only word she knows. </p>
<p>Addy presses her lips to Beth’s ear. ‘I know. I’m here.’</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chap 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hello, thanks for the reading the first chapter. I am still learning here, as I have not written for "fun" (only academically!) for so long. Again, please heed warnings - this is potentially triggering, there's also mentions of blood. Please don't read if it will upset you. </p>
<p>That said, thanks for reading.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Addy sits, chewing on her index nail. Beth’s quiet again in the back seat. They’re parked outside Addy’s house, their meaningless drive around town having led them here. It’s 1am and they’ve nowhere to go - Beth won’t go to her house, won’t be anywhere near her mother, won’t let her see her torn, raw.</p>
<p>Officer Hanlon isn’t in the house, she’s on duty, and Addy feels as though they’re exposed to the potential of her mom cruising by, recognising the car, of her seeing a teenage girl crying on the street only to stride over and see it’s her own daughter. The thought isn’t pleasant. It’s messy and ugly and Addy knows it will completely unravel Beth if her mother is present, pushing for answers, pushing them both.</p>
<p>‘Let’s go in. We can figure out what to do.’ She says it more for her own benefit.</p>
<p>Addy opens the door for Beth, helps her stand with her shaking limbs and bare feet dragging across the asphalt. They stumble through the kitchen, neither of them uttering a word. Addy’s uncertainty is palpable, pulsating through the air between them. Beth’s too quiet. They go to Addy’s room, Beth’s legs wobbling to the edge of the bed until she sits down ungracefully. The soft glow of the lamp is all they need, as if the ceiling light would illuminate something harsh, something better left unsaid. </p>
<p>‘Here, put this on.’ </p>
<p>Addy hands Beth a T-shirt and a pair of grey pajama shorts and Beth just sits there, looking at them, blinking through sticky mascara eyelashes.</p>
<p>‘Do...do you want me to help you?’ </p>
<p>Addy turns, reaching out for the Mickey t-shirt in Beth’s hand. </p>
<p>‘I’ve had this shirt since 6th Grade,’ she murmurs, a tiny breath of a laugh floating away. </p>
<p>She moves slowly, unsure. Normally Addy is so certain - hands in all the right places, Beth held up high, eyes locked, muscles strong. But now - now it’s like she’s moving at half speed, so scared to touch Beth wrong, to hurt her. Addy takes Beth’s hoodie, dangling pointlessly off her shoulder, and pulls it off, and as she balls it up to throw on the bed, she notices a huge, angry bruise on Beth’s upper arm. Fuck. </p>
<p>‘You’re hurt.’ She half-whispers, fingertips gingerly tracing over the bruise. </p>
<p>‘It’s nothing.’ Beth’s voice is quiet, still thick and lifeless. </p>
<p>‘It isn’t nothing.’ </p>
<p>Addy wants to scream, to tell someone, anyone, who can fix this. To get all the useless adults in Beth’s life to come running, to see the damage, to realize how much she needs someone to step up. But she can’t. She can’t do that. She can’t speak out, she can’t yell for her mother. She has to be quiet and strong and fix this herself. </p>
<p>Addy carries on, unzipping Beth’s dress and trying not to say anything as she pulls the t-shirt over her head, seeing the bruises on her breasts, red and blue on the sacred white of her skin. <i>This isn’t happening. It can’t be.</i></p>
<p>She helps Beth step into the shorts, eyes fixating on a two-inch long smear of fresh blood on her inner thigh. It’s like a beacon in the dim room, a glimpse of dark, hard things, things too awful to say out loud right now. Addy takes a small breath.</p>
<p> ‘Oh, God.’ She murmurs, and Beth sees her eyes on the bloody trace.</p>
<p>Her eyes meet Addy’s and for a moment she looks, for the most fleeting of seconds, scared. Her hand grips Addy’s forearm. </p>
<p>‘Is that...?’ Addy doesn’t finish her sentence, just gently sits by Beth on the edge of her bed.</p>
<p>‘You’re bleeding. I think you need to see someone, please.’ </p>
<p>Addy rubs a thumb over Beth’s hand. Beth shakes her head, her finger hovering over the blood on her thigh.</p>
<p>‘It was-‘ Beth starts, unable to finish. ‘He-‘ she falters again.</p>
<p>She can’t say what it is, what this creature did to her. It’s unspeakable, right now, too much for her to actually say the words and see the look on Addy’s face. She looks down at her lap, at the blood smearing on her fingertip, a tear rolling fat and squat down her cheek. </p>
<p>‘It’s ok. You don’t have to say it.’ </p>
<p>Addy pulls her in, starts the ritual of petting Beth’s hair back off her face, wiping the tear away with the palm of her hand. She rocks them both together; Beth nestled in the safety of her neck, fit together like a puzzle. Beth doesn’t cry, she just lets Addy hold her. They stay there like that for a while, silent, rocking together in soothing repetition. </p>
<p>‘Do you want anything? Some water?’ </p>
<p>Addy rests her head on top of Beth’s, cognizant of the fact that they can’t remain in the same position for the rest of the foreseeable future. Beth just mumbles, curling up on the bed when Addy stands up, her hands clasped together in front of her, pushed down against her thighs. She’s shivering despite the humid Midwestern evening, and Addy pulls the blanket from the end of her bed over her, frowning deeply. </p>
<p>‘I’ll be one second.’ </p>
<p>Addy brings the water back, sets it down on the nightstand. She stands awkwardly, lost for words. </p>
<p>‘I need to take a shower.’ Beth’s voice rings out in the silence, muffled by the blanket she’s pulled right up to her mouth.</p>
<p>‘I’m not sure you should, Beth.’ </p>
<p>Addy’s voice is unsure. She’s fucking unsure about everything.</p>
<p>‘There’s evidence, the police-‘ </p>
<p>‘I’m not going to the police, Addy, okay? I’m not!’</p>
<p>Beth’s voice is louder than before, but she buries her face in the blanket, hiding from scrutiny. Her eyes are raw, blood-shot pools as she furiously wipes them with the corner of the fabric, trying to suppress the fear and panic that’s bubbling out of them in salty, liquid form. </p>
<p>‘OK, OK. I just meant you’re not supposed to-‘ Addy cuts off. <br/>She has no desire to force Beth into something, something that will break her open even further. <br/>Addy breathes in, tries to put herself in Beth’s place. The humiliation, the depravity... and then having to spread your legs for some anonymous doctor in the Sutton Grove ER, let them poke and prod and take from you? Nuh-uh. No. It won’t happen that way. She looks back at Beth, her red eyes peering from under the blanket; her fingers curled around the edges so hard the knuckles have turned yellow-white. </p>
<p>‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry this happened, Beth. I’m so fucking sorry.’</p>
<p>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
<p>Addy turns the shower handle, making sure it’s on as hot as it will go. Beth always liked to boil herself alive in the shower, complaining if the water wasn’t scalding, teeth-grindingly hot. Addy never understood it. Beth watches dumbly, sitting on the closed toilet lid, every blink of her eyes looking like it ‘s taking concerted effort. </p>
<p>‘Alright. It’s on, I think it’s hot enough. Beth?’ </p>
<p>Addy has to take charge here. It’s not the usual dynamic, but Beth can’t move her body properly, uncoordinated and limp. Addy pulls that damn Mickey T-shirt over Beth’s head, the bruises beneath taunting her - it’s even worse this time, somehow, even with the shock of the moment wearing away. Beth pulls her shorts down, smearing blood down her thigh, and Addy tries not to widen her eyes too much when the shorts come away sticky with yet more fresh claret, blooming over the narrow strip that sat between Beth’s legs, a feverish stain. </p>
<p>‘These are... you’ll have to wash them.’ Beth mutters, handing them to Addy. </p>
<p>‘It’s fine, it’s no biggie. But the blood, Beth, doesn’t it hurt? Are you sure you don’t need-‘</p>
<p>‘It stings a little.’ Beth cuts her friend off. </p>
<p>A meaningful, final look settles over Beth’s features as she turns and steps into the shower. Instead of offering to help again, Addy is silent, leaning on the counter. Beth will take care of this part herself. She has to. </p>
<p>In the cold strip-lit bathroom, Addy sees a huge welt forming on Beth’s waist. It’s ugly and purple and green, yellow in the center. It’s horrible but Addy can’t look away. She wants to ghost her fingertips over it, make it better, smooth the colours away and leave white, clean flesh behind, untouched except for her well-meaning hands. But she doesn’t. She can’t. Instead, she hands Beth a wash cloth, their eyes not fully meeting, and stares - stares and stares, she can’t stop staring- at how Beth takes it and guides it between her legs, noticing the grimace that knits her eyebrows, the way she rinses the cloth out, pink blood-water dripping lazily, circling the drain. She watches as Beth’s hands, lathered with Addy’s sugar-sweet shower gel, rub over the bruises on her arms, her breasts, like she’s trying to wash away the sins of the deviant that did this to her. </p>
<p>Beth’s methodical as she moves her hands up her chest, her neck. Suddenly, her face changes, eyes fly open, hands clasping around her throat.</p>
<p>‘My necklace! Shit, where’s my necklace?’ </p>
<p>	She’s panicking, stepping out of the shower, water and soap everywhere as she roots through the clothes on the floor, shaking the t-shirt out, hair drip-dripping all over Addy’s feet. </p>
<p>‘Addy, where is it?!’</p>
<p>‘I don’t – I don’t know, maybe the car?’ </p>
<p>Beth looks up at her, eyes pleading. She’s naked, wet, a pathetic, desperate thing crouching on the discoloured floor tiles of Addy’s bathroom. She looks like a little child. She shakes the t-shirt again, one last time, but the necklace isn’t there. </p>
<p>Addy just watches on, helpless, mouth open on an unfinished sentence as Beth’s eyes squeeze shut, her face folding in on itself in a wave of emotion.</p>
<p>‘Hey. Beth, no, it’s OK. ’ </p>
<p>Addy snaps out of her stupor, kneels down and puts her arms around Beth, holding her against her warm body, hands clasping at her wet back, trying to offer some small shred of comfort. </p>
<p>‘We’ll find it, don’t panic. It’s ok, babe.’ </p>
<p>Addy reaches up, long lean arm stretching behind Beth, turning the shower off, and they stay on the floor for a moment, Beth’s rib cage sucking air in and out desperately.</p>
<p>‘He took my fucking necklace.’ Beth whispers, eyes drying, body shuddering, cold water dripping down her torso. </p>
<p>Everything seems so unfair. Addy shivers from the water cooling on her now sodden t-shirt.</p>
<p> ‘Come on. Let’s go to bed, ok? We can look for it in the morning. You need to lay down.’ </p>
<p>She’s talking to Beth like her mom used to talk to her when she was upset as a kid, and she’s pretty sure if Beth had the mental energy to tell her to stop talking in that fucking patronizing voice, <i>Hanlon</i>, she would. But for now this feels... this feels OK. It feels like it’s what she should do. </p>
<p>Beth is hard, yes, strong and solid. But she’s also a human, a real one, one that bleeds when she’s cut open and that smiles when she’s happy and Addy knows this. <br/>Addy knows everything about her: she sees the 7 year old girl who so desperately wanted a normal mom like hers that she asked if she could be adopted for her 8th birthday, and she sees the 12 year old who cried in her lap for an hour after her dad called her an <i>insufferable little shit</i> for pushing Tacy over in the gravel outside Target.  </p>
<p>So Addy wraps a towel around her, rubbing her arms up and down, up and down, and Beth lets her lead her to the bedroom, one foot in front of another, and it’s OK.</p>
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